November 2024
You are where you need to be. Or more specficially, you are where you are. It's a bit like saying "it is what it is", which alhought might seem super unhelpful, has actually come to be a hugely important part of my thinking recently.
For the past 112 days, with only a few day trips home, I've been in hospital. That's a long time. I've probably spent more than half of this year in hospital with "complications" from my bone marrow transplant back in January. It's fair to say it's been a tough year. But if there's one thing I've learned through this experience, it's that acceptance is everything.
"I am where I need to be" might be a lovely thought if you're sitting in the sun, drinking a martini and eating good food, but less so when you're in a dingy hospital room watching old episodes of Star Trek Voyager with nasty stomach cramps. This is not where I need to be, this is horrible, I want to be somewhere else, I want to be someone else.
On the hardest days, the thought of acceptance feels like surrender, like giving up. But I've come to understand that it's not about resignation, it's about being present. It's about acknowledging reality as it is, not as we wish it would be. Mindfulness teaches us that suffering is an inevitable part of life. We amplify that suffering if we resist it. When we refuse to accept where we are, we create a layer of additional suffering that is totally self-inflicted.
Acceptance becomes easier when you realize, as George Harrison so aptly put it, that all things must pass. Nothing is permanent. Recently I had some truly terrible pain in both my knees, no one could work out what was going on and I needed a tonne of morphine. I was in absolute agony for about 24 hours. For some kinds of suffering a distraction can be helpful, but doom-scrolling Instagram isn't a solid strategy for coping with suffering, especially not the extreme-pain kind. Instead all you can really do is breathe, accept what is happening, and know it will pass, which of course it did.
All this doesn't mean I've stopped hoping for better days, but it does mean I'm trying very hard to not fight with reality. I resist the urge to wish I were somewhere else or even someone else. I hope that the future brings more good days than bad, but I will do my best to accept whatever hand is dealt.
Of course, some days acceptance is easier. When I do get to go home for a little while, those seemingly mundane moments are more wonderful than can be explained. I sit on the sofa with the dog, with the fire on. My partner is next to me, crocheting weird little characters and I watch people walk by the house. The world feels warm and whole. On those days, it's easy to say "yes, I am exactly where I need to be."
I've spent a lot of my life trying to achieve something, trying to be somewhere, trying to have something. If I've learnt anything this year it's that there is no mythical place where everything is perfect. The closest you'll ever get to true peace is to accept where you are, fully and honestly.
And today? Today, I'm here. And that's enough.